"Alien vs. Predator", or "AVP" for those to lazy to spell it out, is the latest film to bring together two of films iconic villains. Y'all remember the gift that was "Freddy vs. Jason" last year. Before we begin, I have two words: spoilers ahead. Being that this is my virgin movie-reviewing effort for The Game Lord, I confess this is not so much a review as it is a retelling. Should you not have seen the movie, but are still tempted to read on, you can thank me later for the 10 bucks you saved.

Our movie begins with a satellite hovering high above Earth. It has just detected a heat source somewhere in BF-Antartica, prompting gazillionaire and owner of said satellite, Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen), to assemble a team of experts to investigate. (I only mention his middle name here, which I just looked up on IMDb, because, as all you movie geeks know, Mr. Henriksen played the android Bishop in "Aliens"). Weyland has determined that an ancient temple lies far beneath the ice at the location of the heat source, so it is his hope that he can make a name for himself in the annals of archaeological finds by being the first to uncover the historic structure.

Much time is spent getting the team together, out on the ice and down to the temple. We meet a few of the recruits as Weyland gathers his motley crew, most notably Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan), an ice-climber and leader of the expedition, and Sebastian de Italian-Pretty-Boy (Raoul Bova), an archaeologist. I guess the extra five minutes spent on these characters is to let us know they're our protagonists. It's about 30+ minutes into the film (which is more like 30 hours in action-movie-time) before we get to some adrenaline pumping moments. Yet while there's plenty of time available for character development, none is actually taken advantage of. It's just a hodgepodge of stock characters: the geeky guy, the tough guy, the scar-faced military guy, spikey-haired military girl, the millionaire, the professor and Mary Ann, all wandering about doing nothing while we wait for some aliens or predators to show up and start kicking ass.

Eventually the crew makes it to the temple and having never seen an Indiana Jones movie start mindlessly pushing any buttons they see. This, of course, triggers a series of events: aliens start defrosting, the temple walls start moving and a trio of predators show up and begin slaughtering anyone in sight. The crew gets separated and are slowly picked off by either eager-to-reproduce aliens or killing-for-thrills predators. And the temple walls keep a-shifting. And the humans keep a-running and a-screaming. I was beginning to wonder if the filmmakers forgot the name of their movie... and then it happens. Mr. Alien meet Mr. Predator.

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. It's the Rumble in the Temple. And the alien connects with a right hook! And the predator answers with an uppercut! Only it wasn't quite like that. I couldn't help but think of those old Godzilla versus Mothra movies where two guys in rubber suits battle each other while the helpless humans look on. Only in this case, our monsters are greased up in alien slobber and doing more of a WWF smackdown reenactment.

Battle One ends. But there are a lot more aliens to go and there are more predators to deal with them. So what's the need for the humans now? Oh yeah, we care about them. Now we gotta do the unthinkable, we gotta choose a side. This is the part that bothered me the most. Should I root for the sadistic predators with their slew of weapons and enough gadgetry to make Batman drool? Or the parasitic aliens who if they're not killing us are using our bodies as their literal springboards into life. Well, you know those predators do kinda cheat. They can cloak and pull foot long throwing stars out of thin air. Plus they got those ultra high tech armbands that they can call home with on a moment's notice. Whereas the aliens are really only guilty of obeying Spencer's "Survival of the Fittest". Ah, but they do have that drooling problem.

This is kind of a no-win situation for the filmmakers. Who should triumph in the Alien vs. Predator matchup? Which action movie icon does the movie-going public love more? If the predators triumph then a whole quadrilogy worth of movies got outdone by the star of one film (oh wait, there was a "Predator 2" wasn't there?) Or let those pesky aliens wipe out the predators and have the California Governor's office breathing down upon you?

Well the movie makes the only choice it really can, they both win and they both lose. I'll forgo divulging a huge plot point in case you do have an extra $10 to burn. Yet I will say on the human side, it's equal parts triumph and loss. It comes down to one of our protagonists to represent. In the end, s/he can triumphantly say, "I just saved the world from devastation by an alien race and all I got was this lousy walking stick." Same goes for us moviegoers. On rendering a judgement of good vs. bad, I'd rule this one right down the middle.