Douglas Adams is dead. Don't find out about it the way I did. By watching "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", it is patently obvious. As soon as I got home from the movie I typed "Douglas Adams obituary" into my browser just to confirm it. Sadly Douglas did indeed leave us in the spring of 2001 at the age of 49. And clearly this pile of trash would never have been made had he been alive. I never thought a movie would be made that would make me yearn to see "Howard the Duck" again, but here it is. "Hitchhiker Guide" is the worst science-fiction movie ever made. Worse than "Sky Captain and the World of Tommorrow", worse than "Howard the Duck", worse than "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", worse even than the formerly reigning champ "Plan 9 from outer space". This movie is bad, the dregs, high school kids with 50 bucks and the cliff notes from the book could do better.

So here's the rundown; Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman) is having his house demolished. His friend Ford (not Ford Prefect, as apparently that joke is to "high brow" for today's movie goers) tells him he must drink a lot of alcohol and eat a lot of peanuts (never explained why). To Arthurs surprise Ford (Mos Def) is in fact an alien (why is he on earth? not really explained) and to his further amazement the Earth is about to be destroyed. So they "hitch" a ride with a Vogon construction vessel only to be thrown out into space. They are miraculously saved by Ford's 3rd half brother (whatever!) Zafod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell), the galactic president, by apppearing on his ship suddenly (and by being turned into couches). I hope you people who haven't read the book or seen the TV series can follow along, as there really isnt much more explanation than im giving. Also aboard the ship is Trillian (Zooey Deschanel) Arthur's love interest.

(skip forward a bit) She gets captured and imprisoned on Vogsphere, the home planet of the Vogons. And in the climactic rescue scene, how does Arthur rescue his beloved? I kid you not, he does it by quickly filling out paperwork! Here's actual dialouge from the movie "Check all the boxes on the right hand side" "okay okay" "No no not that one!" wow! now there's a winning movie! (skip farther ahead) Arthur finds out the planet Earth was created to answer the question of "What is the ultimate question" who's answer is "42"

(again I hope you noobs can follow along....). But don't worry the Earth and its people are all recreated just as they were before the Earth got destroyed for a happy movie ending.

Movie problems; First and foremost, it aint funny! Here's my re-enactment of the script meeting for the movie; "How long is this movie going to be?" "About 3 hours" "No, no that's to long for Americans, they can never sit that long!" "Well what should we cut?" "Ehhh, cut out all the humor, the yanks, don't understand our British humour anyway"... And so one of the worst movies of all time is born..

Second, almost no action (paperwork filing is a big climax in this movie!).

Third, miserable acting, not much to work with I admit, but Zooey Deschanel and Mos Def are particularly bad.

Fourth, the special effects are pretty lame. In particular the effects for the "Guide" itself are far inferior to those from the low budget 1981 TV series!!

Fifth (does The Ripper really need to go on?) the movie is far, far, far from faithful to the book or the series, and also far, far, far from understandable to the average movie going noob.

Sixth (answer; Yes he does!) The movie contains no nudity or violence, absolute essentials for a positive Ripper review.

Reccomendation, wait til it comes out on DVD, buy the DVD and burn it (no not copy, burn with real flames!). Inhale deeply, The toxic fumes from the polycarbonate will give you the most enjoyment possible from this film.