The Legend of ACTION Man

By TriXie

Steve closed the door behind him, leaving the rainy evening outside, and tossed his cape into the chair. A disgruntled cat moved out of the way, having been pelted with wet, green fabric.

“Sorry kitty. I didn’t see you there,” he said as he locked the door behind him and reached for the light switch. The cat gave a quick flick of the tail in indifference before stalking into the kitchen.

Steve followed the cat into the kitchen, weary and soaked to the bone. “You know,” he said to the cat, “I’ve spent my entire day chasing down purse thieves, would-be kidnappers, and the usual seedy lot, cat. Why doncha cut a guy a little slack.”

He walked across the room, past dozens of plaques and trophies mounted on the wall, toward the cat’s empty food bowl. His caped crusader days had not only brought him late nights in the office, but they’d brought him recognition, as well. And each shiny award meant he was that much closer to his dream, presiding as chief executive hero at his company, Super Heroes, Inc.

He paused to look at them as he picked up the cat’s bowl. The cat sat lazily eyeing him with eyes half shut. “I’d already be CEH if my name were cooler. ACTION Man just doesn’t cut it.”

Long ago, while in hero training at Hero Tech Institute, one of the most important classes of all was Brave Hero Names 101. After an entire semester of learning the consequences and responsibilities associated with every possible adjective that could be attached to “man,” every student was expected to pick a name. It was the semester final. The name they picked that day would be the name by which they would be known throughout the city they were ultimately assigned to and sworn to protect.

Steve had slaved days and nights with different names of all kinds. Ranger Man. Funny Man. Jamba Man. Nothing seemed to click and he was just about to just give up … when finally he had it – Zartrix Man!

“That’s going to look COOL on the back of my cape,” he beamed. He fantasized about hovering above the city, using his bird’s-eye powers to comb the streets for danger. He imagined the dexterity with which he would swoop from the skies, scooping beautiful damsels in distress out of harm’s way.

“You’re Zartrix Man?” they would gasp in amazement as he lifted them high above the clouds (more for effect than out of procedure).

“Yep. I sure am, toots,” he dreamed his reply would be. And then the rescued lovely would swoon in his arms and he would deliver them to safety.

So, when the he day of the final rolled around, Steve, future Zartrix Man, proudly strode to the front of the room. This was his big day. The professor asked for him to declare his name. And suddenly, Steve froze. A terrible sense of panic swept over him. For at that moment, he’d been afflicted with the most horrible case of stage fright ever known to super hero kind.

“What’s happening to me? I’ve never done this before,” he thought frantically. Sweat prickled on the back of his neck as he scrambled for an answer, any answer … and then it came.

“ACTION Man,” he blurted out. The room started spinning and the last thing Steve remembered was the professor announcing his grade. And then, he fainted.

Steve glanced down at the cat as he refilled her bowl, “ACTION Man,” he said. And then he grimaced as he placed the food in front of the cat. He tossed a frozen dinner into the microwave and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, shaking his head, as he said it again, “ACTION Man.”

He was startled by a sudden buzzing sound, and snapped his eyes open. “Stupid microwave,” he said, reaching to turn it off. The door popped open and a puff of steam escaped as the smell of thawed meatloaf filled the room. Steve reached to pick it up and realized that the buzzing sound he had attributed to the microwave hadn’t stopped at all. It had grown louder, in fact, and was no longer a buzz, but a deep growl. The walls began to shake as awards and pictures crashed to the ground.

The meatloaf dinner splattered onto the floor, as Steve grabbed onto the counter, attempting to steady himself. He squinted as he looked up toward the plaster falling off of the ceiling and gasped in horror as the roof of his house was violently ripped away. The sky was pitch black above him, the noise, deafening.

Staggering back through the living room, he made for the wet clump of green cape he’d only moments ago tossed so casually into the chair. “Must … get … to … cape …” Video game boxes hurled from shelves and furniture slid all over the room as he tried to traverse through the chaos. Finally, he arrived at the tipped over chair, and grabbed the cape out from beneath it. It tore as he pulled at it with all his might.

Quickly, he secured the cape around his neck, instantly feeling bolder, and turned to face this nemesis, hands on both hips. “I’ve been expecting you,” Steve shouted above the din. “This is no surprise to ACTION Man!” With grace and agility, ACTION Man bounded across the room. One double flip cleared him of the clutter and landed him atop of house, ready to face his assailant.

“Only you would be so low as to attack after hours, Bug Man,” ACTION Man continued. He looked above at the towering creature’s bloated belly. Its giant super hero “B” glowed in green, slimy goop, which oozed onto each of its six legs. Forty feet of monstrosity, that was Bug Man.

“Not everyone works on your schedule, ACTION Man. Wait, let me guess … Super Heroes Inc. hasn’t heard of flex time,” Bug Man retorted. “HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! That’s right, ACTION Man! As soon as you get home, it’s time for Bug Man to get to work. And you just happen to be on my task list.”

ACTION Man stood his ground. “Don’t try that with me, Bug Man. I’ve seen Star Wars, too, ya know.”

Bug Man looked at ACTION Man for a moment in bewilderment. “What does Star Wars have to do with anything?” And this was all the time ACTION Man needed to do 12 back flips out of danger’s reach and into the night sky, in search of help.

As he flew through swarms of mosquitoes, moths and other night fliers, ACTION Man reached for his Super Phone. It was time to call the team.

Moments later, a flurry of capes announced the arrival of his back-up support. “What the hell are you doing out here? Maybe if you’d played Magic the Gathering with us, you wouldn’t be in whatever mess you’re in now,” complained Sam Man, first on the scene.

“Yeah, ACTION Man,” said Chad Man, right on Sam Man’s heels. “Hey, where’s Mark Man?”

“I’m right here,” said the just-arrived Mark Man. He stepped out of his newly tricked out BMW Flyer, a lovely brick red color, by the way. “Whattaya think?”

But no one could answer as his reply was eclipsed by the arrival of Marwan Man. “There’d better be a really good reason for this, ACTION Man. This upsets me.”

“All of you just pipe down … I got somethin’ to tell ya,” ACTION Man announced.

“You know, ACTION Man, that’s just not polite, okay,” Marwan Man interrupted. “You call us up in the middle of the night, expect us to come out here to hover around with you in the dark. I won’t even mention how many times you’ve stood us up on the hovering scene. And then you talk to us like that, with like, no appreciation at all. That’s just not cool, ACTION Man … not cool at all. I’m leaving.”

And Marwan Man left.

“Nice going, ACTION Man,” Chad Man scolded.

“Listen, bub. We’ve got serious work to do. Bug Man is on the loose and he’s lookin’ to cause trouble. I have a sneaking suspicion he’s responsible for the threatening phone calls we’ve been getting all week long,” ACTION Man said. “And I don’t know about you, but I received something fishy by phone, fax and e-mail. Smells like a conspiracy to me.”

Sam Man just laughed. “You can’t be serious, ACTION Man. That sounds like some crazy idea for a game or something.”

ACTION Man paused for a moment and whispered into his voice-recording super watch, “Note: Conspiracy Game.” That was a great idea and he knew folks in the game industry. After all, he was the official spokes hero for several Super Hero games. But that was beside the point.

“Ah-hah! But that is precisely what Bug Man wants us to think,” ACTION Man continued, as he racked his brain to come up with a better theory. But he didn’t have time enough to think because suddenly, Bug Man was upon them!

“Run … I mean, FLY for it,” ACTION Man screamed. And they were off, in a blur of super capes, colors and questions.

“Why are we doing this, ACTION Man? What’s going on,” Mark Man panted. “And since when did Bug Man get so speedy?”

“Bug Man ripped the roof off of my house, that’s why we’re doing this,” ACTION Man puffed back.

“But that was your house and your roof … still fails to justify why you needed us out here,” Mark Man retorted. Chad Man and Sam Man nodded in agreement.

“Well, first of all, I thought you guys were pals. Second of all, it’s clear Bug Man wants something out of my house,” ACTION Man declared.

“If he wants something out of your house, then why is he still chasing you,” Mark Man continued, ever the one to dig deeper for the truth.

ACTION Man was now getting aggravated and pulled his PDA from his super pocket. “Mark Man, you force me to make a note to put you on the list …” But he dropped his squishy pen/stylus before he was able to complete this task because Bug Man had caught him by the leg.

“C’mere, ACTION Man!” Bug Man roared with victory. “I’ve got you now, and your soppy wet cape, too.”

Chad Man, Sam Man, and Mark Man all stopped in mid-air, completely astonished.

ACTION Man twisted and turned, trying desperately to free himself from Bug Man’s clutches, but to no avail. So, he resolved to just wait to see what befell him next, crossed his arms across his chest and waited. The ascent up to Bug Man’s head was a long one, but the view was nice, so ACTION Man relaxed.

When finally he arrived at the top – it took awhile because he was passed from leg to leg to get all the way up – Bug Man’s beady eyes were fixed on him, intently.

“Well, we meet at last, face-to-face,” Bug Man bellowed.

“Uh, yeah, well, get on with it before I show you a Super Knuckle-Sandwich,” ACTION Man answered.

Bug Man looked at him for a minute and decided to let that comment slide. “I have a serious issue to discuss with you, ACTION Man, so just cool it.”

“For years, I have been watching you with great interest, ACTION Man,” Bug Man began, “and the truth is, I find you fascinating.” This was, of course, no news to ACTION Man. He felt strongly that he was, indeed, a fascinating super hero to behold. “Therefore, I have decided to strip you of your cape and take the name ACTION Man for myself!”

“B-b-but, you can’t do that! You can’t just take my super hero name like that! Can you?” ACTION Man really didn’t know for sure. He’d skipped over the chapter in school about hostile takeovers, never realizing he’d ever be in such a ridiculous fix. And he’d spent so many years despising his name, he’d never really thought about how he’d feel if someone actually took it from him.

“I didn’t think you’d be prepared for this moment, ACTION Man, and I don’t think you utilize your name to its fullest potential. In all honesty, I never thought you’d really like it, so I thought of all super heroes, you’d be least affected by losing it,” Bug Man explained. “Besides, if you had a name like Bug Man, you’d feel differently about ACTION Man, altogether. So, I’ll be taking that.” And with that, Bug Man snapped off ACTION Man’s cape and pronounced him ACTION Man no more.

Steve was so stunned, he just hung there, limp with unexpected disappointment. Bug Man wrapped the cape around one of his antennae, which was just about the size of Steve’s neck.

“How do I look,” Bug Man asked Steve. “I think I look great in green.” Then Bug Man loosened his grasp and let Steve go.

“Noooooooooo,” Steve shouted as he plummeted toward the ground. “I’ll get you for this, Bug Man.”

It hadn’t yet occurred to Steve that he could no longer fly, since his cape had been ripped from him. But when it did dawn on him, it was almost too late.

He clasped his hands over his eyes and prayed that it would all be over soon. So, he was quite surprised when he actually made contact with something other than the ground. He forced his eyes open and to his delight, Marwan Man had saved the day!

“What’re you doing here, Marwan Man?” Steve asked, astonished.

“I’m saving your ass, that’s what I’m going,” Marwan Man answered.

The sun was beginning to rise and Chad Man, Sam Man and Mark Man had all left for their beds, hours ago. Truth be told, they left soon after Bug Man had captured ACTION Man. It looked like ACTION Man was a goner, for sure, so what help could they provide?

Marwan Man had evidently never left the scene. He had had every intention of going home, but happened to cross Bug Man’s path on the way. Marwan Man had sensed imminent danger was at hand, so he returned, hovering high above even Bug Man’s head, waiting to rescue poor ACTION Man from his death fall.

“Thanks, Marwan Man. You’re the best pal, ever,” Steve cheered.

“Yeah, well … yeah,” said Marwan Man. “Where do you want to go, seeing how your home is destroyed and all? You can’t stay at my place, by the way.”

“Well, it’s almost time for work. You can just drop me off at the office,” Steve said.

So, Marwan Man obliged and left Steve on the steps of Super Heroes Inc. He knew he was going to have to go in and report defeat to the CEH, Majestic Man. He slowly stepped up to the door and sadly let out a deep breath before opening the door.

“CONGRATULATIONS!!!!”

Steve stumbled backward in both confusion and fright. “What the hell’s going on?!”

The CEH stepped forward and gave Steve a hearty slap on the back, “Why, don’t you realize what you’ve done?”

Steve just sat on the floor stupefied, “Well, no.” He blinked around the room at the spectators gathered there in his honor. A cake sat blazing with candles in the back of the room.

“Appears you had a run in with Bug Man late last night,” Majestic Man began. Steve only nodded. “Well, it also appears Bug Man managed to secure your cape.”

“I can explain, sir, I didn’t …” But Majestic Man interrupted.

“No need to explain, gallant sir. If it weren’t for your quick thinking and unconditional generosity, our city would be in ruins, as we speak.”

“But I …” Steve began to protest, but Majestic Man would hear nothing of it.

“You knew your cape would be unable to handle the large, cumbersome weight of Bug Man for long. And you knew to relinquish it meant to sentence Bug Man to his demise,” Majestic Man beamed down at him. “As soon as you escaped, Bug Man took flight over seas, assuming your cape would carry him as far as it would carry you. But he found he was mistaken, plunging into the cold Pacific, where he was eaten in one whole bite by a rather nasty old shark.”

“Because of you, dear sir, the world is freed from Bug Man, forever!” The CEH reached down and pulled Steve to his feet. “And since you were so unfortunate as to lose your cape, we’ve decided to award you with not only a seat on the Hero Executive Board for your bravery, but you must chose another name.”

Steve could hardly believe his ears. Could this really be happening? Moving up to an executive hero position and choosing a whole new name? This was just too good to be real!

“So, do you know what your new name will be? Speak it now and forever shall it be the by which you are remembered around the globe, hero of all heroes,” and the CEH silently waited.

Hundreds of eyes were upon him and he felt the hairs stand up on his neck. His hands began to sweat and the room began to spin, but this time was different. This time, he was ready.

“We’re waiting on you,” Majestic Man good-heartedly encouraged.

“Zartrix Man …” said Steve. “I am Executive Hero Zartrix Man!”

The End.